Panic
So this entry is another difficult one. Every time I sit down, I want to write something but am overcome with anxiety and fear. What if I say too much? What if I don't say enough? This is a moment in my life that I'll (hopefully!) look back upon and laugh, or at least am grateful for the trials I'm facing right now.

Grant lost his job. It was a whole big mess, where his supervisor pardoned an error that was Grant's fault, but the HR department chose to get rid of him anyways. It had been a roller coaster for a week, where everything was horrible, but then it was okay!, but then P.S. you're fired. I am overcome with worry. We've got enough for our needs to last for about two months. What if, in this crazy economy, he doesn't find anything? I'm trying to stay optimistic, but deep down I'm a mess. Its finals week, he's a Stay At Home Dad, and he's supposed to find quality, full-time work? I know he's great at multi-tasking, but how great?

It doesn't help that we've been arguing more lately. This past week, I've really wondered where I rate in his life. He has so much on his plate, that I seem to be pushed aside constantly. For three days straight, he had been so busy with his calling that I was something he came and kissed goodnight, and then left. And the moment we got all that worked out, *BOOM* no job.

Its hard feeling like I am supporting our family. I don't want to be, my paycheck is measly. It won't work like this.

Not to mention, Colby's been loving all the attention from his daddy. I fear that if I were a stay at home mom, he'd hate me. I'm just the mean mommy who's always saying no. When is he going to come running up to me yelling "mom!" all excited?

Really, this isn't even scratching the surface. I'm feeling alone. I've built up walls surrounding myself, and pushed away family and friends and husband, so I can wallow in my own self-pity. One day, this will get better, I'm sure.

But for now, I'm having an anxiety attack in the corner.

Amerlee