I hate this stupid economy, can I just say that? So many of my friends and family are getting screwed over right now, and it just breaks my heart.

A good friend of mine worked at Kiddie Kandids for years and years, making her way up the chain and getting a nice job at corporate. Sunday night she recieved a dreaded phone call- don't come in tomorrow, and you won't be getting your last paycheck or any insurance. Years invested in a company that left her out in the cold without any advance notice, it really breaks my heart.

Not to mention, the amount of unemployed people. My husband was without a job earlier this year for 4 months, 4 very scary months on unsurity. I'm glad he has since got a job, but at a substantial paycut.

And my company is doing so badly. I hate working there because of the financial stress that all of us are under. But the chances I could get another job? Not great.

Really, this is just a vent. Hopefully I'll look back on this time laughing, or at least with a higher wisdom that it was all for my better good.

But for now? It SUCKS.

Amerlee

So starting in July, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to lose weight. So I started to follow the weight watcher's program. I did it for free, I found all the materials online and did it on my own. The weight start slipping rather slowly, but steadily. By September I had lost fifteen pounds, I was so stinkin proud of myself! A week after I started, Grant started it too, he lost a bit more than me.

But we stopped. What were we thinking?

Luckily, I've stayed much the same. Grant has gained four of his lbs back...

But enough is enough. So I'm starting back up again. Down 14 lbs, and here we go again.

I really dislike it when you're waiting on a call from someone that could change your entire life, but they're not calling! I may be taking care of my nephew full-time, becoming his foster parent, and may become a mommy to TWO... but I need to be called to know! And now its after 9, they're probably not going to call me tonight. This is so frustrating!

Not sure why. But isn't that life?

Things have been beyond hectic in my life right now. Besides the normal hustle and bustle, we have crazy family drama. My SIL and future BIL were accused of child abuse, they are currently not allowed to see their children. The newborn (the injured one) has been living with my dad and stepmom although we're also allowed (via background checks, etc) to let him stay here. Thats where he is currently, and although its nice having a little baby its crazy to remember how much work they are. It really impresses me to see Colby with this little baby. He is so respectful and sweet. He wouldn't even touch him, just sit quietly by his side gazing at him. And when we were on the floor and I grabbed a bottle, Colbs wanted to help me hold it. I am so proud of him. I see how much he's grown and it almost makes me want to cry! He's really going to be such a good brother, if he gets that opportunity.

I'm pretty scared to see the start of a new semester. The Christmas break was so nice and I'm very sad to see it end so quickly!

Really, I don't know what to type. I am trying to get back into blogging though! Its my pre-new years resolution. :)

Amerlee

This was one of the hardest decisions for me. I hated our current countertops, but didn't want to spend a ton of money. I really disliked the look of tiled countertops- cleaning grout did not appeal to me. I'd have to special order the cheap formica countertops from Lowe's, and they didn't have that great of a selection. Granite would be soooo nice, but with a HUGE pricetag to go with it. For about a month straight this was such a huge stress to me. I'd chat with anyone about it, hoping they'd give me a brilliant idea.

Luckily, we brought it up with my brother-in-law. Turns out he works in a granite warehouse. He said that they often had to send back granite 'scraps' and he could probably get one of those for me really cheap. These 'scraps' are whole slabs, but since there was only one left in the bundle they're unusable unless you have a smaller kitchen. Guess what we have? Smaller kitchen!

He was able to get us a $1000 slab, for less than three hundred dollars! We did have to hire an installer so it was a bit more. When the guy came to measure out our kitchen, he asked if we had a sink yet. Grant and I hadn't even put much thought into it, but the guy offered us a brand new, undermount, stainless steel sink for $50. Of course we said yes!

So, pictures, shall we?

<------ a picture from the store's website. Its called Verde Tunas. In this picture it looks really light, in the next picture it looks really dark. It lays somewhere in between. :)

<------ installed, with sink. You can also see some of the cabinets installed, and the darker cream is our paint color!

Things have been absolutely crazy around here! No posts for awhile because I couldn't even take time to breathe.

There has been one benefit to Grant being out of a job, and that was that he had plenty of time to finish the kitchen. We had our countertops scheduled to be put in on Saturday Sept 5, so to minimize the discomfort of being kitchenless, we were going to wait until two days before (thursday) to pull out the old, and one day before (friday) to put the new ones in. That way they'd be ready for a saturday morning countertop installation.

That WAS the plan.

Tuesday morning Grant went to (another) interview. He's had tons, they've just been rather fruitless. The interviewer spent about five minutes with him and said: You can start thursday.

Thursday. Cabinet ripping out day. There was NO other day he could start. It was thursday or not at all.

So we rallied up some family, neighbors, and the missionaries to come demolish our kitchen! I hadn't unpacked the cupboards yet, so they just chucked everything into boxes. Even now, two weeks later I still cannot find some things!  What we did have 4 days to do, suddenly had to be done in 36 hours. It was pure mayhem. We never got into bed before 1 AM.

Really, gigantic kudos to my dad and brother. They stepped up, took time off work, and almost single-handedly put in our lower cabinets.

The lowers were done by tuesday night, I had finished painted by wednesday. We could call our countertop installer, and he came over and did it on thursday, two days early!

Its really plugging along, I'll post the countertop info later today. :)

Amerlee

Oh, we have hideous cabinets. These things just make me shudder when I think about them. I think the worst part of it all though, is we just didn't have space to put anything! No pantry, and all our food has to fit in one cupboard. The really irritating part is that there's wasted space in our kitchen. Someone, back in the 80's decided to put a small rectangular countertop on the opposite side of the room, where a pantry would've been a lovely idea! I mean, we will NEVER prepare food over there, not when we have so much counterspace around our cooking area.(see the picture below) So I've been begging my husband for four years to have a pantry put over there. Apparently, I'm just annoying enough for him to give in!

Oh, the other problem with the cabinets. In case they weren't ugly enough, my electric veggie steamer was cooking underneath one and took off the paint. I have a white hole in the middle of my dark brown cabinets. Yuck. They were also missing random bits of pieces, like there was a gaping hole above my microwave because the middle bar was missing.

So, I started saving up, got some money set aside. We started looking for ways to do it on a budget. We had a few options- buying new or painting the ones we had. Buying new was crazy expensive! They was no way we'd be able to afford that! And painting ugly cabinets wasn't exactly the most thrilling idea either. They were boring flat doors, no raised paneling or anything. Plus, where were we going to find a large cabinet/pantry to match? Plus, it was a lot of work, and we didn't want to put our kitchen out of commission while we spent a month sanding and painting.

And then I had a brilliant(ish) idea! We bought used cabinets off the classifieds with all the appropriate sizes, paint those ones, and then switch them out. Our kitchen would be fully functional and we could do it at our own leisure in the garage.

After searching around, I found the perfect ones. They were currently a honey oak, with raised paneling. So pretty! They were also a QUARTER of the price of new. Even with the money to paint them, it would still save us thousands. I wanted to paint them white, because I've always dreamt of a white kitchen. It just seems so neat and clean.

So here we are now. We've got them sanded and primed, and we'll paint them this week. The actual cabinet boxes are ready to go, they did not need to be painted, just the doors.
 <------ totally useless countertop
<---where the steamer removed the paint, on the far right.
<----- gap above the microwave. the middle bar is just gone.
<-----close-up of our new cabinets. They have just been primed, we start the painting this week!

I am thinking that I am going to, for the next two weeks, post a home remodeling project that my husband and I are knee-deep in!

When we first moved into our home, I liked our kitchen well enough. It was big enough for our needs, it was clean. But it had carpet in our dining room, and with cats and kids that became a nightmare. I think it had more black spots than a dalmation! And the flooring in our kitchen was even worse, it was this fading, yellowing linoleum. So I looked into getting some pergo flooring! We found a beautiful cherry, plank-looking floor, that I adored immediately. We bought it last April and installed it in May (A year and a half ago...)

Well, you know how projects start out. First something simple... floors. The I realized that if we're doing new floors, we need new baseboards to cover up where the carpet went up the side of the wall. And if we're doing that, we might as well paint, and ya know? I could really use a pantry in this kitchen...

And so we are going to do a whole overhaul of our entire kitchen. And its going to be beautiful!

I'll go into more detail in the next few days (you'll probably get sick of me, I know all my real friends and family are!) but I am just so excited for this!

I'll also be posting lots of pics... today I'll post befores. I can only find my dining room shot on photobucket, I'll upload more later tonight.


<------ Oh so spotted.

So I got a new calling in church yesterday. I spent most the morning stewing over it, wondering what it could be. Not primary, that would drive me nuts. Not nursery, that would drive me nuts. I don't have the time for young womens, don't have the maturity for Relief Society. Don't have the athleticism for Sports Director, don't have the creativity for Activities Committee. So I was really nervous when he called me in right before Sacrament Meeting. I saw on the desk an application for an Adult Supervisor for the Scouts program, and kind of freaked.

He sat down, and called me into ....

the nursery.

That was the LEAST enthusiastic acceptance of a calling, EVER. "uh, what? Nursery? Oh, wow. Uhm, hmmm. Well, I guess... nursery, really? Ugh. Ok."

We walked into the chapel, and through the opening song, the sustaining, Sacrament I was thinking how I really didn't want to do this, how I felt that I needed to be elsewhere, that I didn't have the energy or motivation to go with this. Yup, I made up my mind that I was just going to have a talk with the bishop.

Then the talks.

ALL three of them were about serving in callings, even if you don't want to. Key phrases included:

"you need to do what the Lord wants you to do, not what you want to do"

"if you refuse a calling, you're just being selfish and denying yourself blessings"

"callings make you humble"

etc etc etc.

The rest hymn?

"I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord
over mountain, or plain, or sea
I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord,
I'll be what you want me to be."

and the final hymn?

"Because I have been given much, I too must give..."

Yeah, the hymn that they played at my baptism, and has always held special meaning to me. I swear, it felt like Heavenly Father was knocking at my head saying "hello, anyone there?!?!"

I got the hint.

I'll be in the nursery next week.

Amerlee

So this entry is another difficult one. Every time I sit down, I want to write something but am overcome with anxiety and fear. What if I say too much? What if I don't say enough? This is a moment in my life that I'll (hopefully!) look back upon and laugh, or at least am grateful for the trials I'm facing right now.

Grant lost his job. It was a whole big mess, where his supervisor pardoned an error that was Grant's fault, but the HR department chose to get rid of him anyways. It had been a roller coaster for a week, where everything was horrible, but then it was okay!, but then P.S. you're fired. I am overcome with worry. We've got enough for our needs to last for about two months. What if, in this crazy economy, he doesn't find anything? I'm trying to stay optimistic, but deep down I'm a mess. Its finals week, he's a Stay At Home Dad, and he's supposed to find quality, full-time work? I know he's great at multi-tasking, but how great?

It doesn't help that we've been arguing more lately. This past week, I've really wondered where I rate in his life. He has so much on his plate, that I seem to be pushed aside constantly. For three days straight, he had been so busy with his calling that I was something he came and kissed goodnight, and then left. And the moment we got all that worked out, *BOOM* no job.

Its hard feeling like I am supporting our family. I don't want to be, my paycheck is measly. It won't work like this.

Not to mention, Colby's been loving all the attention from his daddy. I fear that if I were a stay at home mom, he'd hate me. I'm just the mean mommy who's always saying no. When is he going to come running up to me yelling "mom!" all excited?

Really, this isn't even scratching the surface. I'm feeling alone. I've built up walls surrounding myself, and pushed away family and friends and husband, so I can wallow in my own self-pity. One day, this will get better, I'm sure.

But for now, I'm having an anxiety attack in the corner.

Amerlee

You know how sometimes, you avoid posting, or chatting with friends, because you don't want to really share what you're going through? That is where I am right now. Some days I'm just grateful to make it through the mess, other days I'd rather sleep and just forget it all.

Grant got a new job awhile ago, which in itself is a breath of fresh air. For over a year, he's been in serious danger of losing his previous job. Every month, every week, we'd sit in anticipation, wondering and waiting. It was such a highly stressful situation. He had been job hunting the entire time but nothing came out of anything. So we kept hoping, praying, and crossing our fingers that we'd find something before it all went down the toilet. I don't even remember how we thought of it, but one day I was browsing the U of U website, and there were tons of jobs he was qualified for. He got one of them, which was such a tender mercy. I can see now why things happen the way they did. Now, he is able to work very near to school, which is such a blessing. With the change of jobs though, is the problem of a pay cut. He will likely be promoted before October, but the extra money squeeze is driving me crazy. After all that worrying I am just exhausted and overwhelmed.

And work... it scares me. Who knows how permanent my job is these days? My stomach started hurting from all the stress and anxiety over that. I know thats not good, but some days I really don't want to go into work. This past week though its been picking up, and I hope it sticks. I really really do. I don't know how much pressure I can take from that.

I think Colbs has heard of my mental breakdowns, and wants to do his part. Every night with daddy gone at school, he screams and throws the biggest tantrums. He finds it humorous to hit and to throw stuff, and with frazzled nerves I am just losing it. I'm trying really hard not to spank him. I mean, how do you teach a child not to hit by hitting him? But nothing else is even getting his attention. He sits and laughs when we put him in time out, and refuses to stay. I am NOT prepared to handle the terrible two's by myself. It is making me miserable.

I cannot sleep at night anymore. I sit and stare at my alarm clock and just think. Think about everything and get worked up and just freak out. I've had it.

Amerlee

On Sunday, I went to my dad's family dinner. Every other Sunday, we go to his house for dinner with all the siblings and nephews, aged 6 to 11 months. There's about 20 people there, and its so much fun. I'm a bit self-conscience, because all the females there are super skinny. The largest is a size 4. Its ok though, I love them all to pieces.

I was also in a super good mood, because I had a brand new shirt. Its a flowing, billowy shirt in a lovely shade of blue. I swear it made me look prego, but "thats the style right now!"

I got quite a few compliments on it, so I was ecstatic. And then my youngest stepsister, all of 18 years old and the teeniest one said "That really is the cutest shirt, Amy! Thats totally hand-me-down material!"

I was shocked. I think she's a size O, or 00, or maybe even a size -4. So I said laughing "oh, yeah, no problem. Just cut out half the fabric, and it can be a dress for you!" She kinda just walked away.

Later that night, Grant was talking, saying everyone LOVED Colby's shirt. His shirt was new with a guitar/rock star feel.
And then he said the youngest had asked to borrow it once he grew out of it, for her 11 month old little boy. And then I replied my conversation with her ... and it all made sense.

ooops. Dork point for Amerlee.

So I've been thinking a lot. Lately, my husband has left me plenty of time to contemplate. Not that I mind, I've been enjoying my own company. Right now, I am admiring the human race. There are people in the world who think outside of themselves, to constantly lift and build and help another. These sort of people astound me. I am selfish by nature. I wonder why people aren't caring more about me? Why they aren't coming around so much? What I could do so focus would be more on me. Me me me. And a little bit more of me, please. With a cherry (me-shaped) on top.

Its beautiful, it makes me so proud to know so many of these people.

So, thank you for the inspiration. May we all find a reason to lift another today.

Amerlee

So today I was pumping gas, something I haven't done for awhile. This is because usually I drive it until the light comes on, and then pout and whine to Grant about how "I have to go put gas in my car, but I'm so tired. I should really go do that... Man, I really need to go soon. Well maybe I could drive on it for a few more miles..."

I'm lucky that I have a husband who doesn't like me to whine. If I start whining, he'll do whatever it takes to shut me up. Even if that includes filling up my car with gas.

But I don't think he's realized I've figured this out. Now to work it in my favor...

So Colby usually just doesn't see his daddy on Mondays. Grant comes home about 9:30-10, when Colby goes to bed at 9.

Tonight he was missing his daddy so bad, we kissed a picture of daddy goodnight. It seemed to make him happier.

Work plus school plus kids equals hard.


Amerlee

Wow, look what I found in this corner, under an old cardboard box and a dusty picture frame. Its my old and abandoned blog. Hmmm, thats so sad and pathetic.

:)

It seems like lately, I don't know what to make of life. It feels like a complete shift of what it used to be. I am slowly getting used to the fact that I won't see Grant much in the next few years. Its getting to the point where I just crave time with him. He'll sit on the computer until all hours doing homework, and I'll stay up next to him, just to feel him and know he's there. Its not that our relationship is hurting. In fact, I think its actually a bit better than normal. We're just to a new point in our lives where we can't spend saturdays lounging together anymore.

And Colby, oh that boy captures my heart. I think that boy has more patience and sweetness than his father, if thats possible. He's still a daddy's boy but he's figured out that mom's pretty cool too. (Even if she can't make good car sound effects.) He's so wonderful.

Work is ... work. Usually boring, and then sometimes overwhelming.

I think my latest addiction is digiscrapping. Making scrapbook pages digitally, because I do NOT have the patience to do them otherwise. Its making me so nostalgic, to see my little baby grow into a toddler again. Remember that toothless grin? Oh, it almost makes my ovaries hurt, lol.

Really, all's quiet and doing well. Just don't want anyone to think I died, or something.

Amerlee

We got a wii not too long ago, its actually a lot of fun! We're playing after Colby goes down for bed because we don't want him to get into the wii like Grant's Nintendo 64. Every day he hides the controllers in a new spot.

Anyways, the punny jokes have been horrible at work. So what did you guys do all Wiikend? Should 'wii' come over to see you this 'wii'k?

Grant found this video thats had me laughing today: