You know how sometimes, you avoid posting, or chatting with friends, because you don't want to really share what you're going through? That is where I am right now. Some days I'm just grateful to make it through the mess, other days I'd rather sleep and just forget it all.

Grant got a new job awhile ago, which in itself is a breath of fresh air. For over a year, he's been in serious danger of losing his previous job. Every month, every week, we'd sit in anticipation, wondering and waiting. It was such a highly stressful situation. He had been job hunting the entire time but nothing came out of anything. So we kept hoping, praying, and crossing our fingers that we'd find something before it all went down the toilet. I don't even remember how we thought of it, but one day I was browsing the U of U website, and there were tons of jobs he was qualified for. He got one of them, which was such a tender mercy. I can see now why things happen the way they did. Now, he is able to work very near to school, which is such a blessing. With the change of jobs though, is the problem of a pay cut. He will likely be promoted before October, but the extra money squeeze is driving me crazy. After all that worrying I am just exhausted and overwhelmed.

And work... it scares me. Who knows how permanent my job is these days? My stomach started hurting from all the stress and anxiety over that. I know thats not good, but some days I really don't want to go into work. This past week though its been picking up, and I hope it sticks. I really really do. I don't know how much pressure I can take from that.

I think Colbs has heard of my mental breakdowns, and wants to do his part. Every night with daddy gone at school, he screams and throws the biggest tantrums. He finds it humorous to hit and to throw stuff, and with frazzled nerves I am just losing it. I'm trying really hard not to spank him. I mean, how do you teach a child not to hit by hitting him? But nothing else is even getting his attention. He sits and laughs when we put him in time out, and refuses to stay. I am NOT prepared to handle the terrible two's by myself. It is making me miserable.

I cannot sleep at night anymore. I sit and stare at my alarm clock and just think. Think about everything and get worked up and just freak out. I've had it.

Amerlee

On Sunday, I went to my dad's family dinner. Every other Sunday, we go to his house for dinner with all the siblings and nephews, aged 6 to 11 months. There's about 20 people there, and its so much fun. I'm a bit self-conscience, because all the females there are super skinny. The largest is a size 4. Its ok though, I love them all to pieces.

I was also in a super good mood, because I had a brand new shirt. Its a flowing, billowy shirt in a lovely shade of blue. I swear it made me look prego, but "thats the style right now!"

I got quite a few compliments on it, so I was ecstatic. And then my youngest stepsister, all of 18 years old and the teeniest one said "That really is the cutest shirt, Amy! Thats totally hand-me-down material!"

I was shocked. I think she's a size O, or 00, or maybe even a size -4. So I said laughing "oh, yeah, no problem. Just cut out half the fabric, and it can be a dress for you!" She kinda just walked away.

Later that night, Grant was talking, saying everyone LOVED Colby's shirt. His shirt was new with a guitar/rock star feel.
And then he said the youngest had asked to borrow it once he grew out of it, for her 11 month old little boy. And then I replied my conversation with her ... and it all made sense.

ooops. Dork point for Amerlee.

So I've been thinking a lot. Lately, my husband has left me plenty of time to contemplate. Not that I mind, I've been enjoying my own company. Right now, I am admiring the human race. There are people in the world who think outside of themselves, to constantly lift and build and help another. These sort of people astound me. I am selfish by nature. I wonder why people aren't caring more about me? Why they aren't coming around so much? What I could do so focus would be more on me. Me me me. And a little bit more of me, please. With a cherry (me-shaped) on top.

Its beautiful, it makes me so proud to know so many of these people.

So, thank you for the inspiration. May we all find a reason to lift another today.

Amerlee

So today I was pumping gas, something I haven't done for awhile. This is because usually I drive it until the light comes on, and then pout and whine to Grant about how "I have to go put gas in my car, but I'm so tired. I should really go do that... Man, I really need to go soon. Well maybe I could drive on it for a few more miles..."

I'm lucky that I have a husband who doesn't like me to whine. If I start whining, he'll do whatever it takes to shut me up. Even if that includes filling up my car with gas.

But I don't think he's realized I've figured this out. Now to work it in my favor...

So Colby usually just doesn't see his daddy on Mondays. Grant comes home about 9:30-10, when Colby goes to bed at 9.

Tonight he was missing his daddy so bad, we kissed a picture of daddy goodnight. It seemed to make him happier.

Work plus school plus kids equals hard.


Amerlee

Wow, look what I found in this corner, under an old cardboard box and a dusty picture frame. Its my old and abandoned blog. Hmmm, thats so sad and pathetic.

:)

It seems like lately, I don't know what to make of life. It feels like a complete shift of what it used to be. I am slowly getting used to the fact that I won't see Grant much in the next few years. Its getting to the point where I just crave time with him. He'll sit on the computer until all hours doing homework, and I'll stay up next to him, just to feel him and know he's there. Its not that our relationship is hurting. In fact, I think its actually a bit better than normal. We're just to a new point in our lives where we can't spend saturdays lounging together anymore.

And Colby, oh that boy captures my heart. I think that boy has more patience and sweetness than his father, if thats possible. He's still a daddy's boy but he's figured out that mom's pretty cool too. (Even if she can't make good car sound effects.) He's so wonderful.

Work is ... work. Usually boring, and then sometimes overwhelming.

I think my latest addiction is digiscrapping. Making scrapbook pages digitally, because I do NOT have the patience to do them otherwise. Its making me so nostalgic, to see my little baby grow into a toddler again. Remember that toothless grin? Oh, it almost makes my ovaries hurt, lol.

Really, all's quiet and doing well. Just don't want anyone to think I died, or something.

Amerlee

We got a wii not too long ago, its actually a lot of fun! We're playing after Colby goes down for bed because we don't want him to get into the wii like Grant's Nintendo 64. Every day he hides the controllers in a new spot.

Anyways, the punny jokes have been horrible at work. So what did you guys do all Wiikend? Should 'wii' come over to see you this 'wii'k?

Grant found this video thats had me laughing today:

One of the perks about my job? Truckers come from all over the place going to all over the place. One of them handed me oranges that were just picked yesterday. I held it up close to my face and smelled it. So juicy, so tart, so citrusy. I'm in heaven.

The cool part? They were picked yesterday in Cali.

Can't wait to dig in!